Allowing young children to decide whether to go for a walk or not, to go to bed or watch cartoons, some parents believe that they are raising independence in them. In reality, life without borders and guidelines makes the child very vulnerable. How to learn to tell him “no”? Says a clinical psychologist, psychoanalyst Irina Sizikova.
Sasha is a little boy, he will soon be 4 years old. He is used to contradicting his mother, but she does not know how to behave with him. Once, when Sasha had a temperature, his mother tried to give him a medicine, but the boy did not want. Mom persuaded her son in different ways: she offered gifts, cartoons, tried to cheer him up. Nothing helped, Sasha refused flatly. It would seem – not scary – except that the child had not drank the medicine, and the mother could not show him that she was an adult and it is she who decides what is good and what is needed for him now. The child took the place of an adult – and as a result he endured his health and, possibly, life.
I often hear from my parents how difficult it is for them to make the child go to bed in time, sit at the table or send to wash. These parents seemed to be captured by their children. Unfortunately, as a result of such a “seizure of power”, a child has psychological disorders or problems with behavior.
For example, some children behave impulsively, angry, scream. Run, make noise, impose on others their desires. It happens that the baby decides to go for a walk or not. If parents try to insist, he is furious, rolls up a hysteria – and to avoid this, the family stays at home. Others cry – constantly and for any reason. It seems to an outsider that they are too vulnerable, sensitive. In fact, such children use crying to insist on their.
Follow the boundaries of the permitted
If you look closely, we will see that the reasons by and large are in the behavior of parents. Some show care of the child and want to do “how better”. Others drive the fear of violating the personal boundaries of the son or daughter. And some are afraid that if they force the child and refuse him something, he will decide-mom and dad do not like him.
In any case, they try to avoid tears and suffering of the child. And they do everything to make him rejoice and be happy. But the lack of rules negatively affects children, despite all efforts. Children who do not know prohibitions are psychologically very vulnerable. They can hardly tolerate frustration, do not feel safe and easily become dependent on anyone who can become protection and support for them.
Establishing the rules is an important parental task, and adults need to take responsibility, including for their mistakes. Limiting a child means first of all:
- refuse him in some requests;
- forbid to go to certain places;
- be able to punish the child for violation of the rules;
- insist on fulfilling certain requirements: do homework, brush your teeth, take medicines, greet and so on.
Why do we need prohibitions?
1. The rules help the child understand the difference between permitted and prohibited. He cannot decide for himself what is good and what is bad. And we, parents, have the opportunity to show what can and what can not be done.
2. Rules and prohibitions introduce a child to the laws of the world and help to develop habits, strategies to interact with him. The child feels safe, he is sure that he is able to manage what surrounds him. But it is necessary that the rules be clear and understandable. https://creatorsassembly.com.au/parimatch-apostas-esportivas-login-brasil-a-plataforma-lider-para-apostas-esportivas-no-brasil/ It is important that the parents are consistent in applying the rules, do not say yes today, and tomorrow – “no” for the same reason.
3. Restrictions are a meeting with reality, where not all desires are fulfilled and not everything is allowed. A child who is deprived of the skill to wait, tolerate frustration, put off pleasure, becomes a moody, unrestrained, hot -tempered.
4. The parental “no” allows the child not to grow up too fast. Refusing, we take responsibility for him, show that he should not make adult decisions and may rely on us. The child learns to trust parents and just be small.
5. Saying no, we teach children to respect another people and someone else’s opinion.
6. Following a clear rules changes for the better everyday life of the family, simplifies decision -making on a variety of household issues.
Within reasonable limits
To say no time all the time or not to answer at all badly. Look for the “golden mean”. Rules are a compromise between “yes” and “no”, but the most important thing is simple, understandable and reasonable attitudes, within the framework of which the child can act without fear that they will suddenly change. I knew the parent who punished his son for the fact that he was gnawing his nails, although he himself never cut them. Such punishment is unfair and unacceptable. When the child is aware of this injustice, he will cease to respect not only this rule, but also others established by his parents.
How to learn to say no “?
If the child is already used to living without prohibitions, it is impossible to quickly change the situation. I would suggest binding changes to some significant, turning point. For example, by the beginning of the school year at school or in kindergarten, to the birthday. By the time the child moves to a large bed or to a separate room. These are important stages that show that he has grown and can be proud of it. Such changes are an occasion to explain that it is growing and that now the rules are changing. For example, he can no longer go to bed at 22 hours, but will go to bed at 20:45 so that it is easy to get up in the morning.
By announcing the introduction of new rules, find a way to emphasize the advantages of his age – for example, buy him a watch or your own alarm clock and teach him how to read numbers. The child will be proud that he has his own alarm, like an adult, and that he can understand the numbers. In a word, your task is to introduce new rules so that they have an element of the game and pleasure.
You can also install a board with a sheet on which to write or draw new rules. Fill out the sheet with the child: Having become a co -author of the project, he will submit to new requirements more eently. You may have to withstand the child’s resistance to innovations, his tantrums, crying. Whatever it may, but the rules must be followed. Over time, the child will accept them and his behavior will change.
Do not forget to show that you are proud of the child, every time he fulfills new requirements. It is important that he invariably feels your love. Even when you punish him, the child should be sure that he still loves: he is not bad for us, but his act. Be prepared to return from time to time to discuss the rules with the child and review them.
In difficult cases, I recommend that you seek help from a specialist who will help to understand the situation, determine the change strategy and support you in the moments of crises that will inevitably arise in the process of this difficult but necessary work.